Screaming Mimi...thy name is irony.

God I'm so tired. Jack was up last night having a screaming mimi. Why I don't know and he's not talking. But get this. Hubs has the next two weeks off while I still had to go to work today. And instead of being a "Dad" and just dealing with it so his tired wife who is sick by the way can go to sleep and try to get rid of the migraine that is trying to burrow its way into the tiny space behind my left eye that used to be the only space that "Diane" could hide?! NooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo. He comes into the bedroom to get me so I can "help" him. Translation....fix it and make Jack stop crying. Fuck that. If I new how to get a kid to stop crying all damn night long I'd be a freakin' millionaire. But I digress. He proceeds to tell me that Jack won't stop crying and that he (Jack) has never don't this before. NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE! Fuck me! I wish some had told me that. So I tell him that he has in fact "done that" (see the post two weeks ago). He then ARGUES with me. ARGUES! OH MY GOD! So that part of me that is just itching for a fight comes out and tells him that he doesn't know what the hell he is talking about because he's not here which of course gets him all mad (like I'd planned) and tells me its not his fault that he works at night. Now, I know that. I'm aware of that. But all I'm looking for is some help and a little understanding on his part. The same kind of fucking support I give him by just taking care of shit when he has to work extra hours. Of course that's not a problem what with the way the economy so I get to worry about him getting laid off and about the possibility that I'm going to have to lay of 2 of my employees and the fact that we probably won't be getting our cost of living increase when I know half my staff REALLY needs it. Why am I the only one who can see the things that need to be done at home. Basic things like laundry and dishes and helping to carry groceries in. Is he missing some sort of gene that he's not able to see clutter and stress and the inevitable nervous breakdown that his wife is about to have because of the stress of feeling like a bad mommy added to the weird happiness and sadness that this is Jacks first Christmas and he will never get to meet his Grandpa West!? My brother is able to do it and he works the same fucking schedule as hubs AND he's hindered by a wife who isn't as domestic as I am. But then I guess I'd have better luck wishing for a freakin' Christmas miracle. So isn't Jack's first Christmas going fucking great?

sigh of relief

Well, I made it through my board meeting. Thankfully I didn't have to burn the motherfucker down. I'm feeling less stressed. Not "not stressed" just less stressed. And I have come to the conclusion that I need to get my thumb out of my butt and start writing more. I've missed talking about so many of the good things that I've experienced being a new mom because I've been so overwhelmed by the bad. I have been good about taking pictures of Jack's first bath, first time eating food and all that so I'm not a completely bad mommy. So, here's hoping that I actually stick with my resolution to write more.

It sounds like Fozzie Bear in my head.

It's 9:40 in the morning and I have a totally new bunch of babies to deal with today....board members. *sigh* At least they poop in the toilet.

sigh

I’m not having a very good day today. Here’s the crux of it all as I said in an email to my best friend in a moment of weakness. I need shopping. And ice cream. And Prozac. And sleep. And to not feel guilty because I'm so frustrated and tired and needing a break when I prayed for YEARS for Jack and now that I have him I'm just so tired and feeling like a bad mommy because even though I changed him and fed him and walked him and rocked him and tried to bribe him he still cried all night and I only got about 4 hours of sleep and still have to go to work the next day to a very demanding job.

I think of how I haven't felt capable, how I've felt ashamed for not being strong; for being anxious; for falling apart; for being depressed; for losing it with my kid; for feeling overwhelmed. I think of how I feel so lost---who am I? Somewhere in the mix Diane got lost. I’m now Mom/Wife/Museum Director. But very little of Diane is left. And she’s mad. I think of how I feel...like I buried her when I became a Mom; buried her optimism and confidence and joy and her creativity and her endless, boundless energy.

And then I feel bad so bad in fact that I never say anything to him because I feel stupid and ashamed that it even crosses my mind that I’m jealous of my husband. Jealous that he gets to sleep totally uninterrupted. That when he gets home from work he gets to play and laugh with Jack while I’m up to my arm pits in poop. But then I realize that it’s not his fault. And is he really so lucky? He works third shift and while I may be the one stuck not sleeping and just wishing Jack would SHUT UP he’s the one missing the first time Jack roles over. Or the first time I brush his teeth. Or the first time he just sits up on his own.