sigh

I’m not having a very good day today. Here’s the crux of it all as I said in an email to my best friend in a moment of weakness. I need shopping. And ice cream. And Prozac. And sleep. And to not feel guilty because I'm so frustrated and tired and needing a break when I prayed for YEARS for Jack and now that I have him I'm just so tired and feeling like a bad mommy because even though I changed him and fed him and walked him and rocked him and tried to bribe him he still cried all night and I only got about 4 hours of sleep and still have to go to work the next day to a very demanding job.

I think of how I haven't felt capable, how I've felt ashamed for not being strong; for being anxious; for falling apart; for being depressed; for losing it with my kid; for feeling overwhelmed. I think of how I feel so lost---who am I? Somewhere in the mix Diane got lost. I’m now Mom/Wife/Museum Director. But very little of Diane is left. And she’s mad. I think of how I feel...like I buried her when I became a Mom; buried her optimism and confidence and joy and her creativity and her endless, boundless energy.

And then I feel bad so bad in fact that I never say anything to him because I feel stupid and ashamed that it even crosses my mind that I’m jealous of my husband. Jealous that he gets to sleep totally uninterrupted. That when he gets home from work he gets to play and laugh with Jack while I’m up to my arm pits in poop. But then I realize that it’s not his fault. And is he really so lucky? He works third shift and while I may be the one stuck not sleeping and just wishing Jack would SHUT UP he’s the one missing the first time Jack roles over. Or the first time I brush his teeth. Or the first time he just sits up on his own.