Screaming Mimi...thy name is irony.

God I'm so tired. Jack was up last night having a screaming mimi. Why I don't know and he's not talking. But get this. Hubs has the next two weeks off while I still had to go to work today. And instead of being a "Dad" and just dealing with it so his tired wife who is sick by the way can go to sleep and try to get rid of the migraine that is trying to burrow its way into the tiny space behind my left eye that used to be the only space that "Diane" could hide?! NooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo. He comes into the bedroom to get me so I can "help" him. Translation....fix it and make Jack stop crying. Fuck that. If I new how to get a kid to stop crying all damn night long I'd be a freakin' millionaire. But I digress. He proceeds to tell me that Jack won't stop crying and that he (Jack) has never don't this before. NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE! Fuck me! I wish some had told me that. So I tell him that he has in fact "done that" (see the post two weeks ago). He then ARGUES with me. ARGUES! OH MY GOD! So that part of me that is just itching for a fight comes out and tells him that he doesn't know what the hell he is talking about because he's not here which of course gets him all mad (like I'd planned) and tells me its not his fault that he works at night. Now, I know that. I'm aware of that. But all I'm looking for is some help and a little understanding on his part. The same kind of fucking support I give him by just taking care of shit when he has to work extra hours. Of course that's not a problem what with the way the economy so I get to worry about him getting laid off and about the possibility that I'm going to have to lay of 2 of my employees and the fact that we probably won't be getting our cost of living increase when I know half my staff REALLY needs it. Why am I the only one who can see the things that need to be done at home. Basic things like laundry and dishes and helping to carry groceries in. Is he missing some sort of gene that he's not able to see clutter and stress and the inevitable nervous breakdown that his wife is about to have because of the stress of feeling like a bad mommy added to the weird happiness and sadness that this is Jacks first Christmas and he will never get to meet his Grandpa West!? My brother is able to do it and he works the same fucking schedule as hubs AND he's hindered by a wife who isn't as domestic as I am. But then I guess I'd have better luck wishing for a freakin' Christmas miracle. So isn't Jack's first Christmas going fucking great?

sigh of relief

Well, I made it through my board meeting. Thankfully I didn't have to burn the motherfucker down. I'm feeling less stressed. Not "not stressed" just less stressed. And I have come to the conclusion that I need to get my thumb out of my butt and start writing more. I've missed talking about so many of the good things that I've experienced being a new mom because I've been so overwhelmed by the bad. I have been good about taking pictures of Jack's first bath, first time eating food and all that so I'm not a completely bad mommy. So, here's hoping that I actually stick with my resolution to write more.

It sounds like Fozzie Bear in my head.

It's 9:40 in the morning and I have a totally new bunch of babies to deal with today....board members. *sigh* At least they poop in the toilet.

sigh

I’m not having a very good day today. Here’s the crux of it all as I said in an email to my best friend in a moment of weakness. I need shopping. And ice cream. And Prozac. And sleep. And to not feel guilty because I'm so frustrated and tired and needing a break when I prayed for YEARS for Jack and now that I have him I'm just so tired and feeling like a bad mommy because even though I changed him and fed him and walked him and rocked him and tried to bribe him he still cried all night and I only got about 4 hours of sleep and still have to go to work the next day to a very demanding job.

I think of how I haven't felt capable, how I've felt ashamed for not being strong; for being anxious; for falling apart; for being depressed; for losing it with my kid; for feeling overwhelmed. I think of how I feel so lost---who am I? Somewhere in the mix Diane got lost. I’m now Mom/Wife/Museum Director. But very little of Diane is left. And she’s mad. I think of how I feel...like I buried her when I became a Mom; buried her optimism and confidence and joy and her creativity and her endless, boundless energy.

And then I feel bad so bad in fact that I never say anything to him because I feel stupid and ashamed that it even crosses my mind that I’m jealous of my husband. Jealous that he gets to sleep totally uninterrupted. That when he gets home from work he gets to play and laugh with Jack while I’m up to my arm pits in poop. But then I realize that it’s not his fault. And is he really so lucky? He works third shift and while I may be the one stuck not sleeping and just wishing Jack would SHUT UP he’s the one missing the first time Jack roles over. Or the first time I brush his teeth. Or the first time he just sits up on his own.

Excuse me, do I know you?

Yes. It's been a while. What? Two months? But I think that's pretty good for someone with a new baby, a full time job where everyone expects you to have the answer to everything and made up shit doesn't count and a husband who works nights so you are totally alone and on your own with said new baby at night and when you get up in the morning and when you get home from work! Three! I've had three soda's today!

But, as the cliched t-shirt would say, life is good. No. Life is great. Life is wonderful. Life is my son. Yes. I am one of those annoying people who's life revolves around their child. But if you met Jack you too would agree that he is the most handsome, smartest, funniest child EVER! Because he is. He has since learned to hold his head up, doesn't get mad and in fact enjoys tummy time and laughs. Oh, if I could bottle that laugh. Especially when he does it when I'm kissing his neck.

I thought for a split second that maybe I was preggers again. I have a prescription, but just don't have the heart to fill it yet. It just took so long to get Jack and while I say I'm 26, we all know the truth. I just don't know how I would have felt had you know what hadn't shown up today. Or if that second line had shown up yesterday. Yes! I took a pregnancy test yesterday. Got to say, I was a little nervous. But I don't know what I was hoping for. I think it would have been nice. But then Margo (the non married non mommy in me) keeps thinking that I just got back into all my size 8 clothes again! I can see my toes. And I can drink (as long as I do it 3 hours before I nurse Jack). Can you say conflicted?

Saturday I got to go shopping by myself. Wait. Let me rephrase that. I go shopping by myself once a week. To the grocery store! This weekend I went to Target and Kohl's and any where else I wanted to without having to talk to anyone. On the drive home it dawned on me that I had only spoken to sales people for the previous 5 hours. I can't remember the last time that happened. Normally I'm asking if people are hungry (husband and baby), if they have a poopie diaper (thankfully, just baby there) or if they've seen the remote. And Saturday the one thing I asked the most is, do you have this in a 7 and a half?

i wanna be sedated

It's been two weeks or so since I've posted last, but in new mommy time that's like a month. I can now tell you what 5 am looks like as I've seen it every day for the last two weeks. I'm also at that point where I get excited about sleeping for four hours uninterrupted at night. God. That looks even sadder in print.

Anyway, things have been going pretty well at the new baby house. The crying fits are almost stopped. And Jack doesn't cry as much either. But man! Can he yell. Loudly. But for the most part I have a pretty laid back kid. Doesn't cry unless he wants something and then as soon as he gets it (and it usually involves food, pee and/or poop or gas) he settles back down.

The best part of having Jack is his smile. He can make things better with just one of his crooked little shit eating grins. I will be totally lost when he starts laughing. He also has noticed some things. For example, his tongue, which is somewhat unfortunate because it has resulted in him drooling a lot more. Also, he "talks." He can have nice long conversations, especially in the morning and a 7 pm. It's always at 7 pm.

But this brings me to a question.....what do the other people on the road in their cars on their way to work think when they see me at a stop light talking and/or singing to myself? Of course I'm on my way to my Mom's or my in-laws who baby sit Jack during the day, but still, it looks like I'm a lunatic, just singing away and having a good time. But I've found that Jack does have good taste in music...he likes the Ramones alot.

An Email Conversation

This is the reason why we don't have any other friends.



9:19 am
Jacks Mom
...well, to top it all off, i NO SLEEP because of Jack and an upset stomach which is either stress (you remember bob), i'm getting sick, not sleeping and running around like a mad woman or a combination of all of them.

11:48 am
Southern Martyr
If there is ANYTHING I can do for you (up to and including coming over and holding Jack for a little while so you can grab some zzzzs) just say it and I’ll do it. I do understand the feeling even if I can’t fully empathize with the specific circumstances. I’m also going to think happy thoughts for you. If it makes you feel any better, "younger live in boyfriend" was still muttering about the “Pirate Geeks” remark at 10:30 last night. I really liked that one. Virtual high-five!

12:16 pm
Jacks Mom
Yeah, did his bumper stickers multiply or something? Seriously. A 12 step program. And did I see one that was in Chinese...no doubt an homage to Firefly?

12:30 pm
Southern Martyr
Yup. Yup. Yup. And Yup. What can I say? Geeks are very giving lovers so it’s not like I could just give him up over bumper stickers…

2:15 pm
Jacks Mom
but what does the one in chinese say?

3:49 pm
Southern Martyr
Oh ye gods… don’t make me do this.
It says: Blue Sun
Blue Sun is apparently a manufacturing company. You see the labels on a lot of shit. It’s kinda like the cross between Wal-Mart and “Coca~Cola” or “Nike” of the ‘verse. You see it less than halfway into the first episode (it’s on the “Cry-Baby” – that dummy beacon that Serenity tosses out to distract the Alliance while it makes it’s getaway) Okay and here I’m gonna geek all over myself: It’s also implied that the “baddies” are somehow connected to it… never out right mind you, but they apparently make “medical” equipment or software also. I can give you a listed of most of the inferred references to “Blue Sun,” but trust me you don’t want that.

3:52 pm
Jacks Mom
i just realized that this said "I no sleep." shoot me. please.

4:12 pm
Southern Martyr
Yeah, I noticed… but really it’s reached the point that it’s just cruel to point these things out. Just know that I do note them and keep track of how crazy you are going. There will be an intervention if I think you’re about to just go ape shit.